Monday, October 3

Time of Darkness

I walked through some dark places last week.

Some of you know that I had a difficult situation arise. The situation isn't really the most important thing here...and I don't want to discuss that in this open forum. If you love me and want to know what is going on...feel free to ask in a private setting.

But the situation created a massive breakdown in the way that I valued myself. It caused a tremendous wave of self-doubt and feelings of unworthiness. And it didn't matter how often the friends and family around me said "you're so special" "you'll land on your feet" or "God has something better in store for you".

I felt like a horrible and failed person.

And that took me to some very dark places in my mind.

Several times during the week I thought about ending my pain in a very permanent way.

That will shock a lot of people. Because they believe I'm so strong and so confident. Yeah - I thought so, too.

But I found that I am capable of being shaken to my very core. To doubt my faith. To doubt my value. To believe it when I am told that I've done nothing positive - only failed.

So, I spent a few days when I was on my own mental ledge. And I wanted to jump. But I didn't.

So - why do I share this? I'm not looking for your pity - but your prayers. And I want everyone who has spent time in that dark place to know that you're not alone. And if I can ever help hold you back from jumping...know that I will do all I can...because I've walked a mile in those shoes. And I wouldn't want anyone to walk that mile alone.

thanks to those of you who held me...and may have told hold me again...

you are the light of God in my life.

Light just enough to take the next step.


  1. Dear one ~ you are indeed special and strong and all of those things, and . . . you have been shaken. Good for you for stepping back from the edge of the ledge. My prayer is that you may now take one step in a new direction as the start of a new time in your life. Remember the Psalmist says we walk Through the valley of the shadow, we don't stop and set up housekeeping. Love you - the mama Susan

  2. Love you more than you will ever know!!!!!! You will come thru this and be in a great place on the other side!!! Let me know whatever you may need , and you have my prayers!! Karen lee

  3. Sorry you have to go thru struggles. Always remember you are not alone !! Trials make us stronger, but they are Hell to deal with @ the time !!! Love Dad