Meatloaf Duel

Because I need to deal with a bit of a small personal crisis - you're stuck with another excerpt of "Oh my God, They're in the Driveway" (a cookbook I started writing 10 (ish) years ago). Please be amused!

MEATLOAF CHRIS

Not to be confused with Meatloaf Gordon, which will follow later. Meatloaf Chris is my own creation, sent down from a higher intelligence, I'm sure. Meatloaf Gordon, I'm not so sure about. But since the family enjoys it, I guess it's worth some space. But first, since this is my book, Meatloaf Chris.

1 ½ - 2 pounds of ground beef

1 cup red wine

½ cup ketchup

1 tablespoon each: garlic powder, onion salt, seasoned salt, and 1 teaspoon of pepper. (By the way, I'm just estimating these measurements, so don't waste a lot of time with measuring spoons on these. A tablespoon is like the amount that would be in the palm of your hand, a teaspoon is a third of that. This is not the Betty Crocker Test Kitchens, for goodness sakes)

¼ cup of steak sauce or worcestershire sauce

an egg or two

a splash of milk

enough bread crumbs to solidify this mess

Bake at about 375 for 45 minutes to an hour, depending on how deep or shallow the pan is. I like to spread some extra ketchup on the top of the meatloaf, before cooking, I think it's better than the "raw" ketchup that you add afterwards. After the meatloaf is done, (cut into the middle and pull it apart to make sure that the middle is not raw. It should be about the same doneness as a medium hamburger, after all a meatloaf is just a great big hamburger that everyone shares, with the bun built in. Once again, everyone will notice that I don't have any onions or green peppers in my recipe. It's because I hate them. And don't any of you Onion and Green Pepper Council people start picketing my house. I'll have your knees broken. I don't have anything against the vegetables except the fact that they taste weird and make your breath stinky. So, it's nothing personal. 

Ketchup is a better vegetable. I had one roommate (no, not the psycho one) who put ketchup on EVERYTHING. We went to a Chinese restaurant and he asked for a bottle of ketchup to go on top of his Moo Goo Gai Pan. Very strange guy. He put ketchup on top of spaghetti, on top of the sauce! Ketchup on steak. Ketchup on steamed blue crabs. But when he put ketchup on my Chicken Parmesan, I got annoyed. I've gotten past that now though. I think if you want ketchup on everything you eat...that is your privilege. I may think it strange, but I will no longer try to stop you. And that has nothing to do with the kickback money from the Ketchup Council. Just joking. What was I talking about? 

Oh, by the way, for those of you who are already worried about my soul because I "partake of the spirits", who are now doubly worried because it seems that I have cohabitated with at least two men, worry no more. I worked for years in professional theatre. My roommates were performers, and they were not attracted to me. Besides, men are MUCH better roommates than women. Men don't borrow your clothes and your makeup, take less time in the bathroom, and don't try to steal your dates. Okay, the psycho was not the perfect roommate, he stole all of the other guys clothes and spent more time in the bathroom than any of the rest of us (and he was bald!), but the ketchup guy was really cool. We spent a lot of time playing Monopoly for cigarettes. And talking about everyone else in the company. But he never tried to steal any of my dates. Where was I?

MEATLOAF GORDON

The real reason that the recipe for Meatloaf Gordon was second is that he works third shift and I had to wait till I could get the recipe from him. You are really lucky that I got it at all. He was reluctant to share, but I talked him into it. He'll agree to anything when he's asleep.

Once I was the king of the meatloaf around my house. A dubious honor, to be sure, but an honor nonetheless. Now this punk has come along and created a better meatloaf. I'm not sure I can deal with this, but I'll try.

• 2 pounds of ground beef

• 2 cups shredded cheddar cheese

• a glub of ketchup and A-1 steak sauce (a glub is somewhere around ¼ cup)

• several splashes of worcestershire sauce

• a large splash of wine (he uses whatever I currently have chilling in the fridge or resting on the wine rack...no matter what it may have cost me...no regard to color)

• a couple of eggs

• enough bread crumbs to solidify the stuff

• okay, the secret ingredient- half a can of Miller Genuine Draft beer (cold filtered, never heat pasteurized) in honor of his former fiancee's favorite race driver, Rusty Wallace.

Mash all of the stuff above together, cook at about 375 until "Mom says its done". That's a quote, ladies and gentlemen, I would guess about an hour. Well, that's it. The meatloaf that has replaced mine as the family favorite. I would have thought of it sooner or later. Notice however, people of the Green Pepper and Onion Council, the hatred of your vegetables runs in the family. If you could see me, I'd be thumbing my nose at you.