Wednesday, March 23

This is what you get when I'm sick...

Ah the blooms of spring. I absolutely love the flowers and the flowering trees. This is one of my favorite seasons.

My nose, however, is closed down. I cannot breathe through it very much. The passages are just - well - impassable.

So between the somewhat fractured sleep of last night and the copious amounts of Sudafed...I'm about out of steam for the day. So - I shall take a risk and go blindly copy and paste another passage from the cookbook I started writing 10ish years ago:

An excerpt from "Oh my God, they're in the driveway!"


Okay, the name thing is starting to get a little desperate. The stuff doesn't really bubble, but it sounded better than BATS WINGS AND BACON-HORSERADISH to be sure. This is the Cadillac of my snack recipes. I have actually been sent out at 1 in the morning to get the stuff to make this one. I consider this one to actually be difficult because I have to cook the bacon. Usually I make the requester cook the bacon, that way I don't get burned by the popping grease. Of course, there's always the wonderful microwave. For those of you who don't have one, I'm not going to say that your life is incomplete or anything. I think that its entirely possible to survive without one. Especially if you have a pacemaker. Do those things still stop with microwaves, or I'm I living in the past? I never actually heard of anyone dying next to their microwave. But I digress. Again. Onward to the actual recipe. Be prepared to blow a whole 15 minutes on this one, maybe even 20 unless you can find someone else to cook your bacon. Of course while you're waiting, you can trim your toenails or something.

  • a block of cream cheese (Soften it any way you want for this one, the bacon grease will serve as a substitute for the butter, though)

  • a splash of milk

  • about 8 pieces of bacon, cooked to a crisp. (note, that does NOT say "burnt to a crisp")

Let me break in for a second to tell you that I've already tried this with bacon bits, and bacos and all those fake bacon things that are supposed to be on salads. It doesn't work, leave them on the salad.

  • about a teaspoon of horseradish (use a little less if its homemade, or if you're not especially fond of horseradish. Use more if you like to watch others nose hairs curl)

** I hope you all are reading this straight through, because I think I am absolutely hilarious, but for those of you who actually have just looked up this recipe and haven't read my instructions for softening cream cheese, check out the first recipe in the chapter. A note to everyone, when taking the cheese out of the microwave, (cook for about 45 seconds, rotate and squish with a fork, then repeat as necessary-shortening the time) be real careful when squishing with the fork because there may be hot pockets of cheese which could POP at you. I lost an eye. Just kidding, you take things too seriously. This time, I don't digress...much. Soft cream cheese, I remember. Break, tear, mutilate the bacon into pieces about the size of a fingernail (not clipping, these are not olives [inside joke, to those of us who are actually reading the book]) Combine the cream cheese and the horseradish, adding it a little at a time, tasting as you go along, when it starts to taste like horseradish and not just cheese, you've got it. If the mixture is too thick and hard to stir, splash in a little milk to make it blend easier, careful though, or you'll have bacon-horseradish soup. Add the bacon and a little grease for flavor. Don't forget to eat some before you serve it, or you won't get any.

At least not at my house.

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